A Complicated Day
September is National Suicide Prevention & Awareness Month, and the 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.
September 10 is also my birthday.
It feels wrong to celebrate another year of life, when my son celebrated his last birthday in July of 2017. How do you celebrate when your child was in so much pain that they chose to leave this world? How do you celebrate when you keep aging, but your child will forever be the age they were when they died? How do you celebrate 51 years on this planet, when you are not the same person you were before that terrible day? How do you celebrate when the part of you that doesn’t feel deserving of a celebration is so much larger than the part of you that does?
I Googled “how do I celebrate my birthday after the loss of a child” out of curiosity, and while there are lists of ways to honor a child’s memory on their birthday, I couldn’t find any information about what to do on your own birthday. I wasn’t necessarily surprised, but I was disappointed. It’s frustrating to reach out for answers when none are available.
So… what am I going to do?
I suppose I’ll be making it up as I go, but I do plan on doing some little things for myself. I will be accepting birthday wishes from my friends and family, and let me tell you, folks, I love them. I do. Each and every “Happy Birthday” I receive feels like a little hug. I will go to one of my favorite restaurants with my husband. I will open cards and a couple of gifts, and I will allow myself to feel like even in the midst of grief, I’m still pretty blessed.
I will also share my feelings about this mixed emotion day, because I know I’m not alone. I know so many of us are trying to celebrate milestones while feeling like one of the big reasons we have for celebrating is gone.
Too many of us.
It’s so much easier to accept the negative aspects of our grief journeys. It’s much more difficult to accept the good. On my birthday, I will accept the love I am given, and I will also be grateful for the love that I am privileged to give.
Oh… and cake. I’m also super grateful for cake.