Last Wednesday I had my first public speaking engagement with the Student Focused Teacher Led Conference in Little Rock, Arkansas. I’ve been trying to process the event ever since. I keep sitting down to write, but I can’t find the words. Please bear with me as I try to find them now.
Before I began speaking, I was terrified. I have been in front of audiences many times. I began doing theatre in high school, and continued throughout college and after. Then I discovered improv several years ago, and performed and taught for several years. I always get nervous when I’m on stage performing, but this was different. When I do a play, it’s scripted. I’m not speaking my own words, and the character is most certainly not me. I know exactly what words to say and when to say them. I know the motivation for my character, and that leads me to express the proper emotion I need to tell the story. I even know where I’m supposed to stand or sit on the stage and say them.
Improv is a little different, because it involves making up scenes in the moment, based on an audience suggestion, so I get a little more nervous, because I am responsible for coming up with the words, stage movements, and emotion, but I’m still pretending to be someone else. I’m still making up a story. I’ve always told someone else’s story.
I’ve never stood up and told mine.
Sitting behind a keyboard and writing about Trevor’s suicide is not easy, but it’s definitely easier than saying it out loud in front of a group of strangers, but folks… lemme tell ya… when I finished, people began coming up to talk to me, and they were no longer strangers. We were more connected than I would have ever thought.
They didn’t come up to me there in the room that I spoke in, though. They didn’t do it in front of everyone else. They would find me later when I was alone. They would come to me one at a time over the course of the next couple of days of the conference, and it would always go the same way.
They would speak almost in a whisper.
They would thank me for sharing.
They would start to get emotional.
They would apologize for their emotion.
“I lost my sister to suicide.”
“I live in constant fear of getting that phone call.”
“My best friend is bipolar.”
“I struggle with depression and anxiety.”
“I’m sitting at a table full of people I work with every day, and none of them know.”
Before I put on the microphone and walked up to the stage, I thought, “I’m going to do this, and if it’s too hard, I won’t have to do it again.” And it was hard. So hard. And I don’t want to do it again, but I’m going to, because so many people are struggling and keeping it to themselves. Too many. I’m going to talk about it, because it’s necessary.
Struggling with mental illness, or seeing someone you love struggle with it, can be incredibly isolating. It feels better to know you’re not alone, and my friends, you are NEVER alone. You are surrounded by people who are touched in some way by it, but they’re walking around struggling with it, and hiding it, and they feel alone too.
When Trevor died, his best friend told us that they had no idea that he had depression and anxiety. They had no idea that he was in intensive therapy. They had no idea that he was thinking of taking his own life. They were the last person Trevor texted, and that text was sent while he stood on the roof of the building he had climbed in order to jump to his death.
The text read, “I’m sorry but I have to do this.”
He was in so much pain that the only way out for him was to take his own life, but he didn’t tell anyone. Not even a whisper.
We need to learn to talk about mental health.
Say it out loud.
I love this and you so much!!!!
I love you more than you know, sis.
Kendra, you have always been an inspiration to me even when you were just a child. I remember hearing you tell a poem you had memorized and it was impressed. You were timid until your started telling the poem and you was very confident. KEEP TELLING YOUR STORY. I love you.
I love you too, Aunt Janice
In last week’s episode of Ted Lasso, the guys were trying to learn a dance for a going away surprise for someone, and they weren’t getting it. Coach Lasso said it wouldn’t be meaningful for their friend if they didn’t get it right, and it wasn’t the *execution* of it that was the gift, but the *effort* that they put into it that would mean so much to the recipient.
Yes, I have a point. What you did took SO MUCH courage, and I think that’s part of what touches people. Of course, your story about Trevor touches everyone. But people keep these mental health stories to themselves because they are terrified, just as you were terrified before you went onstage. So they know first-hand how scary it is to share that truth. They see that you have mustered the courage to share in front of a room full of people, so then they feel safe with you, because a) they understand they are not alone and b) you’ve made yourself so incredibly vulnerable, that they feel safe sharing as well. Secrets are what kill. Everyone talking and shining lights on these scary truths is the only way the stigma of mental illness will ever change.
I think, as uncomfortable as it is, that fear is your friend in some instances, including maybe your speaking career. Courage/bravery REQUIRES fear. If you aren’t afraid to do a thing, then doing it requires no courage (or effort, as Coach Lasso would say), and you aren’t brave for doing it, so it doesn’t mean as much to the audience.
We have a Buddhist saying that goes, “When you shine a light for others, you illuminate your own path as well.” Thank you for shining the light for so many people through your experience and pain.
I love you, friend.
As per usual, you stated it beautifully. I’m grateful for you, and I love you too, friend.
Thank you, Kendra! Thank you for doing the hard thing and telling your story. Thank you for telling us Trevor stories, and keeping him alive in our hearts. You are such an inspiration and I am so proud of you for talking about mental health and I hope that we can all remember to be there for others. Again, thank you for everything you do!
Thank you so much, Michele. I love you
I absolutely love this, I think it is a form of therapy by sharing your story and pain with other’s! Putting it out there is so much more therapeutic then holding it inside us.
Love you! ❤
I couldn’t agree more, Bunny. It really is therapeutic. I love you, friend!
You are amazing Kendra ! You are a gift sent from God to help so many people. Hugs my sweet friend. ❤️
Thank you. Hugs to you too.
You have insight that nobody else would ever want to have but that everybody else appreciates. You are a rock star and Trevor would be so proud. ❤️
Thank you, Arlene.
I’m at a loss of what to write here as well! But I so very much want to convey my mom to mom support, admiration, connection as you give voice to the unspeakable. Your pain, your story, your humor, your journey is a true inspiration, a gentle but visceral reminder of the stigma and ignorance of this silent killer. Just love ya lady.
Love you too, Deb. I’ll take all the mom to mom support you have. I’m sending some to you too as one of yours leaves the nest. I’m sure she will thrive, but the house will be a little quieter with her gone.
When I was working with “my kids”, and something seemed difficult for them, and they didn’t want to do it, and they refused to do it- we often tried a strategy that appealed to their “concrete thinking.” We’d gently say, “I know. But it’s a “have-to.” Reading your blog entry, I found myself recalling those times- and more importantly, realizing I need to use that strategy on myself. Thank you, Kendra for helping me to see that. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and above all your willingness to put up with us like the skilled teacher you are. Love and admiration always…
Oh Ann… You’re the best. Thank you. Love you.
You have been an angel to me in so many ways, Kendra. Your bravery, your compassion, and your willingness to share your inner most self with not only us friends and family…but anyone in need. I wish we could clone you and spread you out in every segment of every part of the world in every society. The world would be so much better of a place to live.
Steve
I don’t know what I would have done without your support, Steve. You have made such a difference in my life. Thank you.
You are the most genuine human I have ever met so for me you allowed myself and others to shine when they felt dull in many ways. You gave us that gift. Now you will give this gift to folks that have shared your tragedy without judgement and I am sure with some humor and shared experiences. Much Love and bravery on your new journey❤️❤️
Mary Beth, your support means the world to me. Thank you so much for your kind words.