My First Blog

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Why am I doing this?

I have been asking myself this question over and over. So please pardon my self-indulgence, but this first blog entry is not only for you, my friends, but also for me. I’m digging in to figure out my purpose.

Here we go…

As many of you already know, back in January of 2018 I lost my 18-year-old son to suicide. When it happened I nearly stopped living myself. I wasn’t actively planning to take my own life, but I certainly didn’t mind the idea of simply not waking up in the morning. I stopped eating and lost over thirty pounds. There was relief in that. I couldn’t control what was going on in my life, but I had complete control over what I put in my body. I wanted to disappear, and pound by pound, it was working.

I wasn’t sleeping because my nights were plagued with dreams of my son. These were not visitation dreams where I felt reassured that he was now at peace or in a better place. I dreamed of him at different ages and in different scenarios, but they all had the same theme – I was either trying to reach him or help him in some way, and I couldn’t. I was unable to escape the feeling that I had failed him even as I slept.

I began journaling to start processing my feelings. Then I moved on to sharing my thoughts with friends and family on Facebook. This led to me connecting with other people who had lost loved ones to suicide, and I realized that my thoughts and my writing were helping other people, and folks… lemme tell ya… it was helping me too.

I then put my thoughts together in a book, and self-published it on what would have been my boy’s 21st birthday.

I was slowly starting to heal. I was eating better and sleeping better, and felt like sharing my struggles.

Sharing Trevor’s story wasn’t something I wanted to do… It was something I NEEDED to do.

My sweet friend Richard Martinez, who I performed and taught comedy improv with, contacted me to ask if I would be interested in doing an interview about how I was applying the principles of improv to move forward in my journey with grief. The fundamental principle of improv is “yes, and”. You accept the information given to you and you add to it.

How could I say no?

Sharing my thoughts in the interview felt good. Saying the words out loud seemed so right that I began wondering if I should think about public speaking. I felt like that’s where I was being led; however, I had no idea how to get started.

Then I received a message from my childhood friend, Kim Vann.

Her message was hesitant, “I know this is an odd question, but do you do public speaking? If not, have you considered it?”

Ummm… yeah. Okay Universe… I get the message… I’m in.

Yes, and…

Kim is affiliated with a wonderful organization called Bright Futures. They say “it takes a village to raise a child”, and I know this is true, but sometimes a village needs a little nudge to figure out how to be helpful. This is where Bright Futures comes in. They are there to make connections in order to utilize the available resources necessary to help kids and strengthen families, which inherently strengthens the communities. It’s a pretty awesome win-win.

I have a couple of speaking gigs scheduled in the near future, if Covid still allows us to gather. One of them is virtual, so it’s happening regardless.

Am I ready?

I don’t know.

Am I committed?

Yes, and…

42 thoughts on “My First Blog”

  1. Brennah Tate

    Oh Kendra 💙💙💙💙. It is so unfair what has brought you to this space, but I know you are helping so many and it sounds like they are helping you. Sending love your way as you go down this new trail.

  3. Patti

    Kendra, this is a magical blog. Congratulations on your new blogs/website & public speaking. Thanks for sharing with transparency your healing journey. Yes, and for thanks for demonstrating how we can use the painful/excruciating parts of our lives to be a purposeful light in this world. 💙

  4. Jana Dale

    I’m proud of you. Proud to call you my friend. I am grateful you have the courage to share your story. May this serve as a platform to help others. Thank you for sharing Trevor with us, sharing your feelings. I love you.

  5. Jo McLachlan

    Watching you cope with this profound loss has made me stop and put myself in your shoes. My daughter is wonderful….at times…but I get stuck in a cerebral litany of her faults and shortcomings. Endless what-ifs as I struggle to accept her for what she is, what she isn’t. Each post about Trevor shakes my shoulders and my heart. To love her every minute we have together, to compare her to no one. Trevor was unabashedly Trevor, how lucky are we that you share the memory of him. I know I’m on the fringes of your life circle, I still hope to be one of those elephants. Much love…

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      I can’t tell you how much this means to me, Jo. Thank you so much. Much love to you too…

  6. Kathy Sena

    Kendra, what a meaningful and worthwhile path this is for you, as you continue to make your way through grief — while you also help others. Through public speaking and this blog (in addition to your book), you will reach so many more people. A blessing.

  7. Steve Bassett

    Kendra…I still remember the day you and my brother were married. I almost got a ticket speeding on I44 to get there…different story. I really didn’t know you very well. Holidays and special family visits. You guys never lived close so I never got to know you or your family very well…we were family, but saw each other rarely.
    I didn’t realize how much I was missing getting to know you, Cody, or Trevor. We always assume we have forever for that.
    I’ll never forget the horrible unexpected and devastating call I got from Brad. I was driving alone for work to Harrison, Arkansas. I spent the trip there and back in tears. I’d never heard Brad’s voice sound the way it did. It hit and it hurt. I also suddenly realized I missed getting to know Trevor. Then I realized I didn’t really “know” any of you anymore very well.
    The world suddenly felt very small and different. I knew I wanted to make sure that a tragedy of being family but not truly knowing them had to change.
    I’ve watched you become someone I am jealous of being. Super compassionate, giving, caring, loving, and supportive. All the best of gifts as a human being. You have these even with suffering the greatest loss a mother could suffer.
    I admire you to the fullest and respect you to the maximum potential.
    I wish you success in your calling and pray it helps bring Trevor nearer to your heart and soul. I know he must be looking down and warming your heart in seeing the angel you’ve become. Your wings are worn superbly, Kendra, and I love you dearly for all you do. Plus…you’ve become one of besties and cohorts in sharing writing, critiques, and ideas. I hate what stirred me to becoming closer to you, hearts ache over the why…but I love you as a person, a friend, and a sister-in-law forever.
    Steve

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      Thank you, Steve. Our growing friendship is one of the bright spots in my life. Love you so much, and I am beyond grateful for your support.

  8. Janice Greenburg

    I am so proud of you for facing this head on. Your are truly an inspiration and I love you and son glad your a part of my family.

  10. Amy Ballard

    Kendra,
    I am so proud of you and I look forward to seeing you speak. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I love you always!

  11. Janet Dobbs

    I am so amazed by you Kendra. I just know you will change many lives for the positive. I hope you get the opportunity to speak at schools to increase awareness of mental health. I adore you! 💕 janet

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      I adore you too, Janet! I hope to speak at many different venues, and would love to speak at schools.

  12. Angie

    You are such an inspiration! Unfortunate events have brought you here, but I believe every time you share, you are keeping your sweet boy alive! Our boys will live forever in our hearts and memories. #forever18Trevor
    #forever 31Ryan

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      I love you, Angel Mama. I am so sorry that you understand. #forever18Trevor #forever31ryan

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      Oh, sweet Fallon… I am beyond grateful for your support, and your friendship with Trevor. I love you very much.

  14. Windy Nicholson

    On the heels of a facilitated Google “I Am Remarkable” session at work last Friday, I will simply say, “You Are Remarkable”. Your first blog felt like we were having a conversation. Proud of you! ❤️

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      That is such a wonderful comment, Windy. I love you, and I am grateful for your support.

  16. Ann Mantel

    Kendra, you have found something in this worst of things- something in yourself – and it turns out to be a gift- to us! My admiration is huge. You are amazing. Mazel Tov on this blog, your speaking engagements, and all future endeavors. What a contribution you are making.

  17. Stacy Lynch

    I’m very proud of you! It takes courage to share with others when it tends to make them uncomfortable, but it can help us heal. Keep telling his story and yours and I will do the same! Love from another AngelMom!

  18. Jeani thomson

    Every time I read what you write, I see words that help me in my struggles. You have so much to offer, and I’m so very grateful for you. Thank you for your blog; I look forward to more life’s lessons from you, even though I wish I didn’t need them! Love you, Kendra. You are a jewel!

  20. Liz Neff

    Kendra, this is so powerful. I’m thrilled for you that sharing helps you because anything that helps you is good but also because it has helped us know Trevor; a brilliant, hilarious and clearly loving human that did not deserve such a horrible disease. And you are helping us all because you’ve helped us learn that it’s okay to speak about it and that the perfect words won’t help as much as the heartfelt ones. When we went to David’s grave for what would have been his 49th birthday, we spoke of Trevor too and were glad to have heard his stories through you. Our love to you and Brad and Cody. 18 years was not enough for you to have had with him and it’s a terrible shame. I’m going to write to all my state and national reps urging them to provide mental health care for ongoing but also crisis intervention and it’s my next thing right after clicking post in this page. Hugs.

    1. kendra.l.nicholson

      You and Gary are the best, Liz. Your support, love, and remembrance of Trevor is such a treasure! Love you both so very much. Hugs to you and Gary.

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