September is National Suicide Prevention & Awareness Month, and the 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.
September 10 is also my birthday.
It feels wrong to celebrate another year of life, when my son celebrated his last birthday in July of 2017. How do you celebrate when your child was in so much pain that they chose to leave this world? How do you celebrate when you keep aging, but your child will forever be the age they were when they died? How do you celebrate 51 years on this planet, when you are not the same person you were before that terrible day? How do you celebrate when the part of you that doesn’t feel deserving of a celebration is so much larger than the part of you that does?
I Googled “how do I celebrate my birthday after the loss of a child” out of curiosity, and while there are lists of ways to honor a child’s memory on their birthday, I couldn’t find any information about what to do on your own birthday. I wasn’t necessarily surprised, but I was disappointed. It’s frustrating to reach out for answers when none are available.
So… what am I going to do?
I suppose I’ll be making it up as I go, but I do plan on doing some little things for myself. I will be accepting birthday wishes from my friends and family, and let me tell you, folks, I love them. I do. Each and every “Happy Birthday” I receive feels like a little hug. I will go to one of my favorite restaurants with my husband. I will open cards and a couple of gifts, and I will allow myself to feel like even in the midst of grief, I’m still pretty blessed.
I will also share my feelings about this mixed emotion day, because I know I’m not alone. I know so many of us are trying to celebrate milestones while feeling like one of the big reasons we have for celebrating is gone.
Too many of us.
It’s so much easier to accept the negative aspects of our grief journeys. It’s much more difficult to accept the good. On my birthday, I will accept the love I am given, and I will also be grateful for the love that I am privileged to give.
Oh… and cake. I’m also super grateful for cake.
6 thoughts on “A Complicated Day”
Comments are closed.
Kendra,
You should and deserve to celebrate not only on days like birthdays, but every day a little memory of Trevor pops into your heart and consciousness. Celebrate that you brought such a wonderful human being into this world no matter how short that life here was. I know he brought happy moments to hundreds if not thousands of others that no one but the recipient will ever know. Smiles from his smiles, laughter from his silliness or quirky sense of humor, joy from being his friend, or stories of all this to pass on and tell. YOU helped bring all of those moments to countless unknown people who might have just needed them to make their moment or day a little better, a little easier, a little happier. Who knows how many of those memories Trevor gave, will pop back into reflections that will not only keep his spirit alive, but reinvigorate a joy or boost that was needed again to push them forward in a positive way. You helped bring these on through him by your gift of life, your unbridled love you gave and showed him, you unwavering forgiveness when he needed it but didn’t ask, your gift of laughter and humor you surrounded him with and gift of him knowing he was loved, cared for, protected, and cherished no matter what. YOU helped give that. YOU deserve so much celebration in your life. You are NOT loving him any less, forgetting him EVER, or letting your moments of joy robbing any attention to what he was, is, and always will be to you. I know a guilt free life of what happened in his to bring these feelings of not deserving celebrating the pleasures and accomplishments or yours, is what he would want you to accept and enjoy. He will always be inside you in everything you do…rather it’s weeping at his loss, or celebrating your 51, 52, etc birthday or your accomplishments of writing a book, loving your husband, hugging his big brother Cody, or speaking out to others trying to help and ease their pain…EVERYTHING…he is in your heart, soul, love, thoughts, and yes… celebrations,
I 💙 and admire you, Kendra, I cherish your friendship and conversations in person or silly little one second texts, more than you will ever know. Happy 51! Enjoy it with your entire family because they are ALL with in body and spirit. Always,
Steve
Oh my… I don’t know what to say, so I’ll just say thank you. Love you. I am beyond grateful for your support.
I love this comment. ♥
Thank you, Steve.
I hadn’t even seen this when I send you my message this morning. Just had a feeling. I’m so glad you’ll get cake. Cake always helps. 💙
Yes, it does help. Thank you, friend.
❤️🐘❤️🐘❤️🎂